Love Holds No Grievances

Our dear friend and talented musician, Charley Thweatt, just completed a new CD called “Love Remains.” In this CD is an older song of his called “Love Holds no Grievances,” using words from A Course in Miracles. I find myself listening to this song over and over again to hear the simple message that our grievances or resentments toward another person will hide the light of the world from us and prevent us from feeling the happiness and peace that we were meant to feel in this life.

This year, I have had three experiences of the pain that can happen when a person holds a grievance or grudge, and will not work through it. The first is with a woman friend whose very best friend suddenly texted her and said she wanted space from the relationship but would not say why. These two women had been meeting several times a week and walking together for years. They had a very deep relationship and helped each other through difficult times. The woman who received the text was completely left in the dark and still is after eight months of silence. She has no idea what she did to deserve this rejection without any communication. Over these eight months, I have seen this woman go through the almost unbearable pain of feeling discarded.

The next experience was with a very close friend who received an email from a male friend with the pronouncement, “I feel complete.” He ended the relationship with our friend without ever being willing to clear up whatever problem was there. Our friend still does not know what prompted this email. Attempts on his part to call this person have been ignored. He also felt discarded.

Last month we received an email from what we thought was a friend with the subject heading, “Ending the friendship with you.” In this email the boundary was clearly stated that we were not to contact him in any way. He explained that it was nothing we did, but who we are. There had been an issue with this man, but we thought it had been resolved and we were moving forward. It is so painful to be suddenly rejected without a willingness for meaningful dialogue.

A few days ago, I was in our natural foods store waiting on line to be checked out. The checker was talking in a rather loud voice to the woman who was bagging the groceries. He was telling her all the things he disliked about a certain person and that he wanted him out of his life. He further told her that this person had called to apologize and had tried to reach out in a positive way by offering to watch his dog while the man went away. The man went on and on that nothing would ever allow him to open up to this person again. Of course I don’t know the details as I was just a customer in line hearing all of this, but I do know that the bagger looked very sad as the man kept talking to her. I know also that it was unpleasant for me to be hearing him and I sensed the same for the others in line. His grievances were dimming the light energy in a store that is supposed to be very conscious.

Barry and I are eternal believers in the power of healing to bring back love even into the most failed relationships. We strive to never give up on love. Each relationship and connection is precious to us. We encourage everyone who comes to us for counseling to go for the love. Sometimes a marriage is so broken and the hurt so deep that the two people do not want to stay together. Even in this situation with a couple divorcing, there can still be love and forgiveness and an honoring of all the good that was there from the beginning. Sometimes the most touching and open hearted sessions are those in which two people are saying good-by to one another and moving on in their lives. They may not see each other again, but the love that was felt by saying good-by and appreciating what was good will remain in their hearts forever. Someday, if they meet again, they might genuinely hug and greet each other.

I always learn a lot about life and relationships from our dogs. At one point in our lives, we owned five golden retrievers, four of which were female. Almost always the five dogs got along tremendously. But sometimes one might find a bone that the other one wanted and there would be loud growling and showing of teeth. They never hurt each other but the show would be impressive. This fierceness would last perhaps fifteen seconds and then they would stop, smell each other and resume life as usual. Ten minutes later, they would be snuggled up next to each other sound asleep. They expressed their feelings, then let it all go and went for the closeness and love.

So what happens if a friend suddenly rejects you by email or text. Yes it hurts very much and it is important to feel your feelings. It may be important to seek professional help if the rejection brings up feelings of unworthiness or other big issues in you. In time you will realize that a rejection without the willingness to dialogue is not about you, but is about the other person and what has been triggered in them from their past. Try to have compassion for them and do the inner work to hold that person in your heart with love. Even remembering one positive memory will help. By doing this you are keeping your heart a safe place for all beings. Don’t close that person out just because he/she has closed you out. I like the anonymous quote, “Holding resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” This poison can negatively affect every aspect of your life. Make a commitment towards love and clarity in your relationships.

One of the closing songs on Charley’s new CD tells us, “Everything’s an opportunity to forgive, and I choose peace.” May we all choose peace.

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